My ADD is kicking in and I am having some trouble thinking straight. So this is just going to be me thinking on paper....
What if I had never left Colorado? Me and Josh could have found our own place...he was so torn between me and James. He told me the only reason he was staying was because they needed his share of the money. Aw Buddah was finally learning to pay rent and be responsiable. I was so proud of him.
Josh playing guitar over and over and over. I walked in from a double and I was so tired. I headed to the kitchen (my favorite place in our house). Josh grabbed me and made me dit on the couch. He played a song he had made up...I wish I could remember how it went.
You always hear of people who just "aren't right" or are not the same when the lose someone they are really close to...I think I am like that.
In school they always tell you choose your friends carefully. I always thought i didn't matter. I have always been attracted to people who are unhappy and need fixing. I love helping people Josh was very much the same way especially as he got older. Who knew being caring and being around your friends could change so many lives...
I keep thinking about jake. I am not angry at him at all. I have no hate towards him. I was friends with him...how ever every day I wonder what would have happened if Josh had chosen a better friend
Jake has a mom and a sister. I think of them everyday...
Josh i miss our deep and sparadic talks. I miss you passing out with your shoes on. I miss having to get up at 6 in the morning to wake you up because the alarm beside your head wouldn't wake you up but it always woke me up from the back of the house. I miss sitting with you outside while you smoked. I miss you smile...its the best one i have ever seen.
I love you
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Alissa,you need to grieve and you need to talk about and write about what you are feeling. Losing Josh will change all of us forever, but that doesn't have to be a negative thing. We can change for the better while holding Josh close in our hearts.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are so right. Josh's smile is the best one ever seen. He did not smile as often as some do............but when you were rewarded with that genuine smile of his, it was a beautiful thing.
I dream often of his smile.............it is a precious gift. In fact, night before last I woke from a dream and the last thing I saw was Josh's smile.
I love you sweetheart. Please take care of yourself. That is what Josh wants. He loves you so much and he wants you to be happy, find peace and be well.
Mom
Dear Sweet Alissa, your Mom is absolutely right. We all need to grieve in our own way and allow ourselves to grieve.
ReplyDeleteJosh is gone from our world, but he is at peace in Heaven with God. He smiles and is happy and is NOT smoking cigarettes!
I feel so very blessed to have known Josh. I feel blessed that he has brought our families together.