Baby's mama

My friend Brittany is having a baby!! I am very excited. I took her shopping today and bought her the best shirt ever...it says "Im not fat I am knocked up". We had so much fun. She def made me feel like a fattie because I ate 2 meals at Chickfila and she only had one. Then we both ate ice cream then I wanted Chinese and she said that sounded good...finally someone who can keep up with my eating.
She bought a pair of Uggz. They looked really good on her...her foot is normally a size 7 but they have swelled up to a 10. I handed her the boots in size 10 after I had sat in the floor trying to shove it into an 8. She looked at me and shook her head...my feet will not fit in a 10 that is to big. I told her just to try them on...you can always put them back. We found a bench she tried them on and they fit!!
I tease her boyfriend, Andrew, and tell him that is my baby's mama and he better be nice to her. He just thinks I am crazy and shakes his head.
We had a lot of fun and will meet up later tonight to hang out but for now I have to run and get ready to be Paris.

Single life

Being single is way better than being with a boyfriend...I can talk to who ever I want. I can go out with my friends..I do not have to report to anyone when I will be home or what I am doing. I can have guyfriends. I can flirt...which I love. I can focus on my life not "us"

I was getting my car oil changed and the man said you must be single by choice bc you are beautiful. I just kind of laughed and said ya I am single by choice ( i also got a discount on my oil being changed!!) It kind of made me realize how much freedom I had lost when i was with my ex and now I can do so much more...
The best thing is I can talk to my friends who are girls and not get accused of being a lesbian!

Thoughts

Thinking way to much lately....
everything reminds me off josh..the most simple items or situations spin my head and make me think of buddah. I see a can of febreeze and it reminds me of the can of spray he bought to put in his and jakes bathroom bc he said Jake smelled bad. The pizza he bought from Pazzos and would only give me one piece even though he had ate half of mine a week before. The 15-20 books he bought at a book fair with Sam...I can look at anything and it reminds me of Josh. A baby at one of my tables was a big butter ball and so happy and sweet. He had blue eyes and blond hair like josh when he was little. The baby reached out and held my hand...I told him he looked like my brother when he was that age. The baby's mom asked me how old my brother was...what do I say? He should be 18...he would be 18 if he was alive...he is 18???
For josh's birthday I gave him 20 bucks bought him a new pillow gave him sheets and took him out to dinner. We had so much fun but he kept saying we had to get home so he could start partying...lol. I miss you buddy. You are still my best friend.

3 days..

3 days till halloween!!

I am so excited...3 days and I get to be Paris Hilton

In celebration of Halloween Doug and Kelly bought me a pumpkin that looked like a butt and we put underwear on it...haha

Missing you guys

Miss you Josh...I think of you all the time. You are still my best friend and I can not explain how much my life has changed with out you....

Cody work sucks with out your smiling face and dumb jokes. Every time I do something embarrassing I look around to see if you are shaking your head at me and laughing. I miss you...

The first picture is of Josh's buddah collection which I have in my room and it watches over my bed. The 2nd picture is of the memorial ribbons we wear at work in cody's honor...

Get Away

Sometimes a minie vacay is so what we need!! I have been working b.d.'s so much I feel like I live at work. I beg for hours and love b.d.'s but at the end of the week I am so tired and I have no patience for the sunday crowd. Today I worked a lunch and then I got off and Ariel and Jon and I went riding in Jon's red jeep. It is so pretty...he even washed the car crap off for us. Then we went to Taco Bell and had some grub. We all went to the bowling alley and with our mad skills the range of scores went from 42-72. We need a little more practice. We had so much fun and it was a much needed break from reality. I actually felt like I was young and having fun!!

Cody

Tonight at 7 pm my friends and I will be going to Cody's memorial. Tomorrow is his funeral. I can not go to the funeral...I am just not ready yet how ever I am going tonight. It is so strange we will all be standing around talking about our friend who just a few days ago was with us. Strange Cody, just 17 will be in a casket.

Work is terrible. Every one deals with death so differently. I do not want to talk about it. Some of the people go back and smoke in silence at the back of the restaurant. Some of the girls cluster around the drink station talking incessantly about how they can't believe it. Some of us talk quietly then change the subject. Some will not believe it or hear it.

I walk up to my table and the room spins. The 2 top I have is looking at me strangely. I can't remember I am supposed to great them and present our fish panel and then ask for a drink order. It should be second nature to me but instead all I can think of is Cody and Josh. Finally the girls say we want a coke and a sweet tea. I mumble an apology and hurry away to retrieve the drinks. The rest of the night I do not even remember..it is like my brain went on auto pilot. My body and mouth doing everything I was supposed to but I could not tell you a thing I did or said. I do know a table walked out on me but i was to out of it to say anything. I just paid for the food rather than getting a write up and kept on auto pilot. Life on auto-pilot is much easier...

Oscar is trying new things...

Tonight I was on the computer doing a little you tube stuff and I heard a wailing and screech from the basement. Mom was making terrible noises, wheezing and carrying on. I jumped up afraid she was hurt or upset. She met me at the top of the stairs and was holding Oscar. She set him down and I could not see anything funny. She continues cackling then I see a flash of lace. Oscar is wearing my underwear!!!! Omg...things never calm done around here

Keep Swimming

Today is so sad...i have not broken down yet but I know it will come.
Just like with Josh...when I have to go to work tomorrow it will hit me or maybe later than that.
Buddah had a tattoo across his shoulders and back and it said "God is in his heaven and all is right with the world" He loved this because it was paradox. It was completely not true but it is how it should be...
one of our friends,Sam, keeps telling me just keep swimming but how can you keep swimming when you are already drowning? Nothing makes sense any more....it just keeps going

Ice Box

There is a song which right now fits my life perfectly...
These words match how I feel...

I am trying but it is no use because
i got this ice box where my heart used to be
i am so cold ...i am so cold
i dont want to be stuck in this cold cold world

the other song that explains how i feel is:

I try so hard cant seem to get away from misery
i try so hard...it aint my fault cuz i try to get away but trouble always follows me
its like i am taking 5 steps forward and 10 steps back
trying to get a head of the game but i cant seem to get it on track
i keep running away from the ones that love me the most...
i am out here fighting demons
lord cant you help me
i cant keep inflicting all this pain on my family
...every day is a challenge

my life stays the same...i am trying but things just wont change
My friend died this morning...i will miss you Cody
I miss you Buddah
~Love you always~

Prop 2

I am not a big meat eater...I NEVER eat beef and when I choose to eat meat it is usually chicken strips. But from what I saw today is enough to make me really consider never eating meat again!
At Mike and mom's house our animals are taken care of extremely well.
Our cows have huge fields to roam and graze in. They are given hay and grain. Our cows are very tame because we are outside with them a lot and pet and talk to them.
Our chickens also run around the fields as they please...mom and mike gather their eggs but they are only locked up late at night and let out again early in the morning. This was started because my pretty white pet chicken Maggie was eaten by a fox so now to protect them we lock them up at night.
I love animals and expect people to care for them...how ever when we eat meat from the stores most of the time the meat comes from factory's full of abused animals.
The eggs you eat unless you get them from an independent farmer they come from the store. Their are chicken factories full of thousands of laying hens. They are in cages smaller than a standard sheet of paper. This means they can not even turn around. They may live this way up to a year before they are slaughtered. (Chickens if taken care of can lay till they are 4-5 years old...they do not lay an egg every day but still lay actively)
If you eat veal this is what happens....they take the baby cow away from its mother (when it should still be nursing) and chain it up in a cage that does not even have room for them to stretch their little legs. They may be chained up this way for up to 4 months before they are slaughtered.
What about that yummy ham you get? Pigs are not safe either they are kept in cages where they can not move at all this causes them to become neurotic...they chew the bars, swing their head, and make crying squeals because they are in such terrible conditions.
All of these animals when caged like this become weak and sick.
By saying all this I am not apposed to people eating meat. Any doctor will tell you it is necessary for a healthy life style to have proteins in your diet and meat is the best source. How ever we should treat the animals well. Every living thing deserves a good life even if that particular animals purpose is to feed us there is no reason to treat it cruelly. Also if they animals are fed right and get to move around and stretch they will be healthier and this will provide better quality of food for us. Plus it is not much more expensive to care for the animals.

In california they are trying to pass a law (prop 2 ) to save animals form these conditions....my first choice would be for everyone to buy eggs, and meat from a trusted farmer whom you know cares for his animals well, but if you have to buy meat and eggs from the store we should have the peace of mind that the animals are being taken care of, not tortured, and we are getting the bets quality of meat.
For more information on exactly how these animals are treated and more info on the bill they are trying to pass in cali go to....
YesonProp2.com

Zoo

Yesterday Kelly Jo, Doug, and I went for a little Minnie adventure to the Natural Bridge Zoo. We had so much fun.



This is me with baby camels. They were sweet and their lips were so soft!










The monkeys were so funny. The ones furthest left howled and screamed. You could hear them through out the whole zoo. The baby in the middle was my favorite. He was so cool. He kept crawling all over his mom and then jumping on the fence. I was so hypnotized by them because of their little thumbs, and facial expressions, they were so human like. One of the monkeys kept raising his little eyebrow at me!!
When Kelly Jo and I went to feed the miniature goats they stampeded and yelled at us for food. One fat one butted out the little ones to get to the food!

The giraffes were so neat. When I put my hand out flat to feed them they would wrap their tongue all the way around my hand and scrape the feed off. It was like having a wet vacuum on your hand...one of them drooled on Dougs head! It was sick...10 feet of drool hanging from the giraffe to Doug. Haha
I went in for a little kiss with the camel since I am single now. Haha

Foam Henge

Today I went with Kelly Jo and Doug to Foam Henge. For those of you that don't know there is a place in Europe that is called Stone Henge. It is a semi-circle of huge rocks. They are 80 tons a piece and thousands of years old. No one knows who the people were or why they made it. More importantly how did the people get the 80 ton rocks up on the mountain? There are no other rocks that size any where around. There was no machinery back then to lift rocks of that magnitude...horses couldn't have pulled them...so how did they do it? There are some interesting theory's.

Being there at Foam Henge, an exact replica of stone henge, was breath taking. It was like stepping back in time. My imagination whirred as I thought of all the things that place could have/ may have been used for.

It was an experience!

Bad moments

Sometimes it is so hard to smile. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe...

Sometimes I feel like screaming...where is the good in this life? I used to be able to find it so easily. Nothing could get me down for long. Now I am just thankful to get through the day. I am trying to get my life back as good as I can and I feel like the harder I try the more bad things get thrown in my way. I am so tired. I just want peace in my life. I want happiness again. Will my zest for life come back? Can I be happy again? or is it just going to be day to day...just getting through?

Down on the farm

No matter how bad my day is I love coming home to mom and Mike. I can play with the dogs, talk to the cows, or tease the chickens. I have so much fun being around my family and just being able to be at the house.

Today Mike is setting up two new houses for the cows. He is trying to figure out where to attach gates and how to work out all the kinks with the buildings. I went out to help him but all I ended up doing was sitting and watching him do all the work. I did get to feed the cows...they fight something terrible over food!!

Mom is as usual slaving away in the kitchen. She is making applesauce from apples my grandma and grandpa sent from Missouri. I am trying to find something productive to do but most likely will just be hanging out with mom and Mike.

Shroom pictures

Shrooms

When I was visiting my grandma and grandpa in Missouri we went to Elephant park and Sam A. Baker park. I had so much fun just enjoying nature and seeing the beautiful scenery. I had no idea Missouri had so many diverse and beautiful things to looks at. While I was there I became facinated with mushrooms. There were so many different kinds in a small area we covered walking. Gma and Gpa even began to help me. They would point out mushrooms and I would squat on the ground and try to find a good angle to photogragh the mushroom. I now think I may want to take some photography classes. I think it would be really fun to be a nature photographer...plus it would give me an excuse to hike, which I love to do.

Alexis

I drove 15 1/2 hours yesterday to bring my car back from St Louis. Alexis was a perfect little lady the whole time she just sat in the floor on the drivers side and looked at me. Once in a while she would go get some food or water from the passengers side floorboard but most of the time she was content to just lay beside me. She is so beautiful and she knows it look how she sits in these pics...she is my little princess.